102prAnAh

Q1 2010

102pranah — Sun, 11 Apr 2010 12:43:09 +0000

A quarter of the year has passed, have I made the right choice which I was doubting end of last year? At the start, I was really challenged in a way I have neither expected nor experienced previously. I just could not understand and I could not accept the way things were. But, with time, I found out it was no fault of my own, I finally found the middle ground, I felt some peace. I can now say I do not regret one bit that I made this choice. I realise the more important thing in right here, right now and the future. There was no point worrying about the past, whether I have made the right choice or feeling that I should be going back to my comfort zone.

Most people are dubious about their self-worth. People sometimes do not realise how lucky they already are and complain that they have not yet achieve much in life. But, giving time and being with yourself, you bond with yourself. Who are you trying to impress in your life – parents, partner, boss…etc? Just be yourself, just like yourself as you are, then you can find some peace, then you feel relaxed, then you feel happy!

I’m coming home…

102pranah — Sat, 28 Nov 2009 13:15:21 +0000

What is home to me? Almost a decade ago, I was distanced a few thousand miles away from my lovely family and my origin country, to pursue studies in a new land. After almost a decade, somehow, I no longer know where my home is now.

At the end of each day, as I wave goodbye to my colleagues, I’d say, “See you all tomorrow, I’m going home now”. Such a casual term, but, what is ‘home’? A place where I sleep, shower and eat? How does this differ from a hotel? I have experienced living in my apartment by just having a quick shower and a few hours of sleep, after each day of up to c.20 hours at work. There is no soul to this so called home. And I am about to put myself into this situation again, what’s going on, have I really made the right choice?

Is home a place where I come from, ie my origin country, or somewhere that I have been staying for a long time? Perhaps it could be the former, but my origin country is so big, where is my spot? If the latter, my office could be my home since I have spent so much of my time there. Don’t get me wrong, I am passionate about my work, and I enjoy my time immensely at work. I sometimes call my office as my second home. But, office is still an office, a place where professionals meet to solve business related issues. It is still not a home. Despite my colleagues saying I have sold my soul to the firm, there is no real soul in this so called second home.

So, what is home? To answer this, a special friend once told me this, “Home is where your special someone is”. In my own words, home should be a place where I feel comfortable, a place where I feel a sense of belonging, a place where I feel secure and a place where I can further develop my inner soul and share this with the special someone.

I have never really felt home-sick, until I hear this song, will you?

“Home” – Michael Buble

Another summer day

Has come and gone away

In Paris and Rome

But I wanna go home

Mmmmmmmm

May be surrounded by

A million people I

Still feel all alone

I just wanna go home

Oh, I miss you, you know

And I’ve been keeping all the letters that I wrote to you

Each one a line or two

“I’m fine baby, how are you?”

Well I would send them but I know that it’s just not enough

My words were cold and flat

And you deserve more than that

Another aeroplane

Another sunny place

I’m lucky, I know

But I wanna go home

Mmmm, I’ve got to go home

Let me go home

I’m just too far from where you are

I wanna come home

And I feel just like I’m living someone else’s life

It’s like I just stepped outside

When everything was going right

And I know just why you could not

Come along with me

‘Cause this was not your dream

But you always believed in me

Another winter day has come

And gone away

In even Paris and Rome

And I wanna go home

Let me go home

And I’m surrounded by

A million people I

Still feel all alone

Oh, let me go home

Oh, I miss you, you know

Let me go home

I’ve had my run

Baby, I’m done

I gotta go home

Let me go home

It will all be all right

I’ll be home tonight

I’m coming back home

The chapter closed. 章を改める.

102pranah — Tue, 24 Nov 2009 13:24:24 +0000

Last week was really emotional. A 4 year plus storyline ended, the chapter closed. This was never really planned, perhaps this is part of life. I will always remember each special moment.

I’m now enjoying the freedom for a while. This will not last either. A new chapter of life is waiting ahead of me. The feeling of fear is somehow stronger than excitement. Is this the typical me, or is this just human nature? The best way to keep going is to keep being confident. I believe you can when you set your mind in doing it. Osu.

Limbo

102pranah — Wed, 11 Nov 2009 22:56:18 +0000

I am very scared about the journey ahead. I do not know what is right and what is wrong. I do not know if I have made the right choice. Is it a wise choice? I think I have not done myself enough justice, I felt that I have not given it my best. Having said that, I dont think I was well equipped at that moment, maybe it is fated.

Now, I feel that I am going into the warzone all alone. I do not know if I am fully equipped. I do not know if I am both mentally and physically ready. I am afraid. What is my fall back position? Should I go ahead bravely, do my best, and live with no regrets?

Li/ove

102pranah — Wed, 04 Nov 2009 01:13:57 +0000

To live and to love. How can I describe it? It’s a sharp ‘pain’ in the heart, a feeling that I have not felt in a long time. It is a feeling that I somehow welcome, yet tears just keeps rolling down my cheeks. It’s a feeling that made me consciously think that I am all human, I have feelings, real feelings. I have loved, and I have lived.

To jump or not to jump?

102pranah — Sun, 18 Oct 2009 18:01:12 +0000

Yes, it is decision time – whether to “jump ship”. I really feel it is difficult to make the choice because I do not know whether it is a good thing or bad thing, whether it is right or wrong for me. I need a reason, a reason to justify the choice that I am about to make. On one hand, I do not want to regret, on the other I am very fearful. Both choices has its own merits, either way, there should not be a right or wrong answer.

I think the key thing for me is going to be about the sacrifice that I will be making – whether it is justifiable. I have to ask myself few questions – do I want to do it? can I do it? what is my ultimate aim? how can I achieve it?

So, the difficult part is not about the choice that I have to make, it is about “how I put effort into ‘whichever choice’ I have made to ultimately achieve what I want”.

172 mins

102pranah — Sun, 27 Sep 2009 14:28:34 +0000

I finished the 13 miles race in 2h 52mins, way over time! But, I am still very happy because that was achieved without proper training and my left knee was hurting from the 9th mile. I am aching all over now and limping, happily though.

I am also proud that I ran all the way, without walking. I thought I would walk half way but I kept telling myself I will run all the way. That is the power of mental strength. I felt that such race is a very good training for both physical and mental strength. I will do this again next year and I want to achieve a better time, with proper preparation, hopefully I will do the London Marathon soon too :)

Sponge? Orphan?

102pranah — Sat, 26 Sep 2009 22:24:35 +0000

Well, since I still couldn’t sleep, I thought it will be good time to update the post re: launch of the rocket. Well, I actually dont know how to start, I just dont know how to put it in words. It is a feeling deep inside, let me try…

The launch didn’t happen this time round. I am terribly upset, angry and frustrated. Maybe this matter has been magnified gazillion times because expectaion was built up and the announcement was just too sudden. I couldnt absorb it. It’s almost 2-3 weeks now but it feels like it had just happened yesterday. Can I just move on with life?

It feels like everyone around me acknowledges what I have done and what I am striving for. But, at the same time, because I appear to be a strong and cool headed person, people seem to think that I can take on any bad news and therefore shaft it onto my plate. I am not a sponge!

Also, at a time when I needed some comforting most, my family were very busy with their own lives. It’s not that they are abandoning me on purpose, I don’t really want to tell them how upset I am either, maybe because I don’t know how to put it in words either. I felt like an orphan, I want to be pampered too! I dont want just blind support either, I wish for a well reasoned out support. Reality check. Wake up call. Wait, I need to sleep! hehee.

Thirteen miles

102pranah — Sat, 26 Sep 2009 21:57:01 +0000

It will be my first ever half-marathon race tmr, I’m so excited now, just could not fall asleep!!! My mind couldn’t quite concentrate on the mounting pile of ‘to do’ list for this weekend either. I am starting to get rather worried of what will happen tomorrow, whether I will finish the race, whether I will finish in my ideal time, whether my body could take it after the race, whether…, whether….sigh. I guess I am so worried because I have not trained as much as and as well as I wanted to. I know all these races are all about the preparation, but, work, travel and falling ill just distorted the training schedule. Okay, I will stop giving excuses, it wont help now, I will learn from this lesson.

Anyway, I need a positive mindset. I must finish the race, I wont let myself down. I wont let down those who have sponsored my race (for my chosen charity) too! I am really really grateful to everyone’s support and generosity. The sponsorship target would not have exceeded without the great support. This thirteen miles journey begins with a single step tmr…nite nite…

Launch of rocket

102pranah — Thu, 10 Sep 2009 21:38:02 +0000

I have always aim high in everything I do. I want to achieve lots of things, I want to be successful. There is something that I have been working hard on lately and I would have heard about the result this week. I am still eagerly waiting. It will apparently be delayed by another forthnight. I suddenly felt like an astronaut, hoping to launch but through no fault of my own there’s some delay and yet there is that uncertainty that it will not launch afterall. Will I be over the moon?